Relationships are super hard, right!? ADHD makes them even harder. Hard to believe, I
know. Even though ADHD doesn’t actually create new problems in relationships; it makes the old ones exponentially bigger. ADHD isn’t just hyperactivity, daydreaming or procrastination, it’s oh-so-much more. ADHD is a mental health disorder divided into 3 types: Inattentive Type, Hyperactive Type and Combined Type. At its core, ADHD is a disorder of executive functioning. 

What are executive functions? You ask? See below.

The 7 executive functions:

• 1. Emotion regulation – the ability to control emotions so they don’t interfere with life
• 2. Prospective memory – remembering to do something at the right time in the future
• 3. Working memory – the ability to store information in the moment
• 4. Self-awareness/hindsight/foresight – awareness of one’s impact in the moment, the ability to look back and reflect, and the ability to look forward and hypothesize
• 5. Self-activation – the ability to motivate yourself to do something you need/want to do
• 6. Organizing and planning – the ability to put things where they need to go and plan for the future
• 7. Sense of time – the ability to feel things in the future, feel time as it is and to somewhat accurately guess how long something will take You can imagine how challenges in each of these might negatively impact someone’s life in many different ways. One of the major areas impacted is the ADHD-er’s relationships. To illustrate real examples of the impact, let’s talk about a movie you might know: The Break Up.
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The movie is The Break-Up. The actors are Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston. The
argument topics are lemons, dishes, flowers, socks, and the ballet. In the “dishes” scene, Vince and Jennifer depict the impact of several of the ADHD executive dysfunctions. I’m not
diagnosing Vince with ADHD, and a lot of these situations are typical of most relationships. Therefore, all of the following suggestions would be helpful for neurotypical relationships as well. Let’s get started at the beginning of Vince and Jennifer’s famous “dishes” argument.

1. Difficulty with self-activation: The scene starts with Vince laying on the couch playing video games. The problem here isn’t just that he’s not doing his part with the house at that moment, it’s that he often doesn’t do his part. Of course, he’d rather play video games because that’s more stimulating for the ADHD brain. Video games are actually super common with ADHD. They often create a problem in their own right because ADHD-ers struggle with moderation and impulsivity. They also engage in hyper-focus, which can cause them to lose hours in something they’re into. Tangent alert! Jennifer asks Vince to do the dishes, he gets frustrated because he just got home from work, she says forget it, he gets angry, she yells out the famous line “I want you to want to do the dishes!” He doesn’t get it and the argument continues.

Helpful hint: To increase self-activation for his dishes-chore, Vince can implement artificial rewards. Artificial rewards work better for ADHD-ers that natural consequences. For example, “If I get the dishes done, I get an hour of video game time.” This way everyone is happy!

2. Difficulty with emotion regulation: In the next few moments of the scene, you’ll notice Vince’s emotions jumping from 0 to 10 in a flash. This is also characteristic of an ADHD-er. They struggle to regulate their big emotions. In fact, it’s been said that the emotions of someone with ADHD can be more intense than people with bipolar disorder. The difference is that ADHD-ers’ feelings are shorter lived.

Helpful hint: In order to improve his emotional regulation, Vince can learn to identify his feelings, the location of his feelings and the intensity of his feelings. He can then learn and implement skills to reduce the intensity. For example, he can ask for a break to do some deep
breathing, splash cold water on his face or create a mantra that takes him away from the feeling.

Once Vince is seeing red, Jennifer brings up the lemons.

1. Working memory deficits: Vince bought 3 lemons. Jennifer asked for 12. Vince actually did better than most ADHD-ers because he was able to remember the lemons in the first place. His prospective memory didn’t fail him this time. Unfortunately, his working memory did fail him. When he and Jennifer had the conversation about getting the lemons, Vince wasn’t able to store the number of lemons she wanted in his memory. He
may have been distracted or not able to recognize the importance of the number of
lemons. He most likely thought he’d remember 12 instead of 3, but when he got to the store, the number had left his mind. Of course, Jennifer is upset because 3 lemons isn’t the amount she asked for.

Helpful hint: When Jennifer asks for 12 lemons Vince can repeat the number to store it in his mind. He can also write the number down somewhere to remember the amount. The scene continues with Jennifer “nagging” Vince when she brings up his frequent lack of follow through.

1. Prospective memory deficits: First off, this isn’t nagging! Jennifer makes the point that Vince often says he will do something without actually following through. This is most likely the failure of Vince’s prospective memory. He might actually intend to follow through, then simply forgets when that future moment comes. I’m in no way excusing his behavior. He needs to remember, follow through and take accountability when he
fails.

Helpful hint: Vince can create a running “to-do” list and put his chores on it. In order to remember the specific chore at a specific time he can set an alarm for that time, with a label that matches that specific chore.

Next, Jennifer brings up the socks.

2. Organizational deficits: Jennifer continues to lean hard into all of Vince’s irritating behaviors. Years of stored up anger comes out in a verbal lashing of Vince. One of the behaviors she points out is his habit of leaving his socks all over the house. ADHD-ers struggle with putting things back in their place. In fact, they struggle with giving things a place in the first… well…place. Part of the socks everywhere is due to Vince rushing
from one thing to another. Another part is the lies he tells himself about cleaning them up later. A third part is the difficulty with self-activation we mentioned earlier.

Helpful hint: Vince can put a small “socks basket” close to where he takes them off each day and put them in that basket when he takes them off. He can then put that basket in a place where he sees it when he goes to bed. On his way to bed hd can empty it each night into his large clothes hamper, then return the “socks basket” to where it goes.

Vince doesn’t get why any of this is a big deal and so the dynamic repeats.

The great news here is that there are ways to undo this dynamic and heal this conflict as well as other relationship conflicts that are magnified by ADHD. Here are some suggestions that can help:

1. Vince should seek individual therapy to find out why he struggles with his executive
functioning and get treated for his difficulties
2. They should seek couples counseling, which will include education on ADHD and how it shows up in their marriage
3. Vince must take accountability for his actions, promise to take steps to improve and follow through on the promise
4. Jennifer must find compassion and grace for his diagnosis and the struggles he has faced and continues to face. Yes, the partner has to do some work to help undo the dynamic if they want it to be successful.
5. Jennifer needs to work towards understanding that this isn’t a selfish or careless act and it doesn’t reflect how much Vince actually cares about her
6. Jennifer needs to be somewhat patient as Vince undoes years of maladaptive behavior patterns
7. Vince needs to validate Jennifer’s compounded anger due to this repetitive dynamic and be thankful for her patience with him

If these are problems you can relate to and they seem bigger than the norm, you or your partner may have ADHD. Don’t worry, it’s not a relationship death sentence. Try some of the above interventions and keep the faith that your relationship will improve!